When I’ll Know

I’ll know it’s love when I am wedged between a line of cars on a busy street in the middle of a commute
listening to the radio and thinking about what food I have leftover in my fridge
or what the weather’s going to be like tomorrow
this is when I’ll know.
it’ll happen suddenly
randomly,
an earthquake in the center of my Tuesday
somewhat of a surprise
like walking through a haunted house knowingly
the shock is inevitable but expected
or it might hit me
like a lightning bolt on a day with a vacant sky
like a bus when I cross the intersection without looking
okay
maybe not that violently
maybe it will be subtle
like the moon’s descent into crescent form over time
like the evolution of freckles on skin from sun
quiet in its arrival but still apparent
it could occur to me loudly
almost like a revelation
but more like an understanding that has been building for months
growing inside this body of mine
I often bury feelings in my stomach
feeding them subconsciously until they become too full to cover with ease
love will come to me like a secret I have been hiding for weeks
pouring out like a confession I never wanted to give
I like to say that falling hard is a habit I’ve overcome by now
but I would be lying if I did

To say
that love makes itself known visibly
from the exact minute we meet someone
is not exact true
but you’ll know when it does
creeping out strategically into your routine,
love will settle in your bone marrow until it has formed into a disease

see I’ll know it’s love
when I go to search my wallet for parking meter change and I only find your name
when the empty in my bed grows too big for just my body
when every ring a cellphone hums reminds me of your laugh
when the onset of cold makes me miss the comfort of your holding
when I start to wonder what a life never knowing you would be like
when I can’t remember how I ever survived on this earth without you
I’ll know it then
and I’m not sure when that will be
It could be the last thing I think of as I fall sleep
or at 3:47 in the morning
I can’t promise I’ll be ready
or that I’ll be waiting patient
Love will come to me like a fear I’ve been afraid to say admit I have
But I will tackle it head on
Welcoming with open arms
Say hey what sup hello
I’ve got this
it might not be obvious
But I have been practicing my entire life
For this exact moment

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